Scarlet Fest

A must-see event!

The full name is actually Scarlet's Mid-Winter Renaissance Festival. Lane and I attended this event because Dotti’s two belly dance troupes were dancing. She had warned us it was kind of weird. Man, oh man! We all came to the conclusion that they hold this thing just so they can have a reason to dress up in their costumes during the off season. And I don’t mean just the participants. A great many people who had simply come to look around were in costumes. There were the typical things you’d expect to see … Lords, Ladies, wenches, etc. There were some really great costumes and some that people had just barely made a pass at making a costume. And then there were all the …. um ….. “others”.

* Pirates were the largest representation by far. I suppose pirates at least fit into the era in which this event is supposed to represent. Jack Sparrow himself was there. Honestly, this guy had the look, the costume and the movements down! All except for the jeans he was wearing. Seriously. If you're going to go to THAT much work to duplicate a character, why would you not find some breeches? Not to mention that faire rumor is that the guy really thinks he's Jack Sparrow.

* We observed at least two Ninjas. This seemed "off" but then again, no one said this was limited to Renaissance Brittan.

* Zorro? Ditto the above I suppose

* A few men in kilts, including a Braveheart wannabe who slapped on a kilt with his work boots and Fruit of the Loom tee shirt and painted half his face red. Still, you'll hear no complaints from me on this one as I love a man in a kilt.

* A couple of revolutionary war soldiers. These just missed the renaissance by nearly a century.

* A cave woman. This chick missed the time-line mark by several millenia.

* Mermaids. Well, mermaids are just timeless, aren't they?

* A bear-trainer with his bear which was both cool and appropriate. Except that the bear actually acted like a bear. He was never cute and friendly with the myriad kids who came up to see him. So, was this guy very good in sticking in "character" as a bear? Or like Jack Sparrow and thinks he's really a bear? Seriously, at most events you would assume the former. At this one .....?

* A guy in a fox costume that is generally believed to be a “furry”. This would have been kind of funny (in a creepy way) except that, at one point, Lane said "I think that Fox is staring at me." And we think maybe he was.

* Several people that we had no idea what they were trying to be. One girl was wearing red and white striped socks that came up over her knees, a short, black skirt that had points and made you think of someone trying to dress like a sexy witch, a kimono blouse with a bustier over the top and a pirate hat. It's anyone's guess what she was supposed to be.

* Last, but not least creepy, was Marilyn Manson. Seriously, it had to have been him.

Honestly people, if you leave anywhere near Oklahoma City, please go to this event next year. It's fairly (pun intended) small so not a lot of things to do. You won't need them. Park a chair in a corner and watch people walk by. I promise you no end of amusement.

EDIT: Some chick posted this very shaky video of some of Scarlet Fest on You Tube. Sadly, most of the nuttier characters are not featured. You do, however, get a brief glimpse of Marilyn Manson and, more importantly, my beautiful sister dancing. At about 4:21 notice the one on the left in the purple. That's her.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDZ4MYY7ahg

Ma'am, I Salute You!

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up a few random items. In the produce section, an older woman stopped me to ask a question. She had to have been 70 at the bare minimum and I'm guessing that's a pretty conservative estimate. After a short chat, she introduced herself as Theda Lastnamewithheld. She then laughed and told me that her brothers were John, Joe and James. With three such traditional boy names, her silly parents named her Theda Bara. I believe I actually goggled.

"But," I sputtered, "She was a ... a .... "

"Vamp?" she supplied.

"Yes!" Still goggling.

She just laughed. "Yes, she was."

It was at this point that I finally gathered my wits about me and closed my gaping mouth but couldn't quite restrain a laugh. I told her that was hands-down the coolest thing I'd heard in a very long time. I mean, no offense, but for someone of her generation to name a child after someone as racy as Theda Bara ... well, that just rocks.

Pally Poems

Levi was pretty bored in one of his classes Friday. It's one of those that give waaaaay too much time to get assignments done. So he wrote the following poems about his Paladin. Enjoy!


Some call us zealots,
wielders of the light.
Some know us as protectors,
the will of vengeance.
Those who would oppose us
say we are fanatics
of a lost cause
and a blind devotion.
But know this,
enemy of the kingdom,
scourge of humanity ...
none can withstand our faith.
- January, 2009


Foes lurk behind every corner, demons in every shadow.
They will strike with brutal force in their desperation to stop us.
Every man who falls shall have peace,
knowing he died in the restoration of sanctity,
order and sactuary for our kingdom.
Ready yourselves, my brothers.
Hammers of our righteous vengeance shall soon thunder across the land.
The crusade begins at dawn.
- January, 2009

[The preceding works are unpublished and all rights, including copyrights, are retained by the author.]

Frankie

From Rags to Riches

Remember the kitten Steve found a few months ago on the highway late one night? Scraggly, starving, parasite-infested. We nearly lost her as she was too young to even eat solid food. Luckily, we discovered this in time and got her on milk replacer.



Well, after getting her cured of all her ailments and fed up, three months later, she's growing into a gorgeous kitty, huh?

Of course, I had forgotten how much having a kitten in the house was like having a toddler again. She's into everything all the time and, thanks to her, by Christmas there were virtually no ornaments left on the bottom one-third of the tree. Lucky for her she's so cute.

WARNING!! This is going to be my own personal, little rant regarding this particular seasonal greeting. If you don't care to hear it or think it might piss you off, go ahead and click that little red X at the top right of your screen now. Go ahead. I'll wait. No? Ok, read on at your own risk!

It seems that every year, people become more and more offended by the use of the phrase "Happy Holidays" in place of "Merry Christmas". Everyone is screaming that people are trying to take the Christ out of Christmas. Well, here are my thoughts ...

1. I've always viewed Happy Holidays to mean Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! After all, those two holidays are very close together. Is that offensive? Are you OK with being told Merry Christmas but NOT Happy New Year? Probably not. So choose to view this greeting in this manner if you will.

2. That poor little, harried clerk ringing up your socks and underwear at Wal Mart has not the slightest idea exactly which holiday(s) you celebrate. For fear of offending, perhaps she says Happy Holidays in order not to set you off, rather than to so. After all, if she says Merry Christmas and you're an atheist, she might get her ass chewed out. Take it as the well-wish it's intended to be.

If a Jew were to wish me a Happy Hanukkah, would/should I be offended? No, of course not. I, myself, do not celebrate Hanukkah, but I would recognize it as a sincere wish for a happy season.

Lighten up, people!! When did everything the world become about me?? How is it that people expect every other person out there to know exactly which holiday it is that you happen to be celebrating?? If someone wishes you Happy Holiday, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah or Merry Winter Solstice, just smile and say thank you. They ARE, after all, hoping that you have happiness.

Oh, and if Merry XMas is the one that gets you, did you know that he idea of using “X” in place of Christ is not a modern idea? In the Modern Roman Alphabet, which comes from the Greeks who were before Rome, the first letter of the word “Christ” is “chi” which is represented by a symbol similar to the letter “X.” Perhaps XMas is just shorthand for the lazy. Choose to view it this way when you see it and you'll be much happier.

Besides, wouldn't Happy Holidays offend you much less that Happy Whatever the F**K You Celebrate??

How did they miss that?

I keep a broom in the laundry room to sweep up the daily scatterings of kitty litter. This morning it wasn't there. I went around asking each of my three guys ...
"Have you seen my broom?"

Not one of them made a witch reference.

Seriously, how easy was that one? And they missed it. Yeesh.

Frankie

I just returned home from taking Frankie
to the vet for her first shots. Yes, that’s her. Apparently those little nodules that I assumed were boy bits, were not. So she’s no longer Frankie as in Frank Sinatra, but Frankie as in Frankie & Johnny.

She gained ½ pound since I first took her in. Considering that she only weighed 1 ½ lbs to begin with, that’s quite a weight gain. They said it was very unusual for a male cat to bond with a female one like Sunny has. Usually same-sex cats make the best friends. That just reinforces the fact that even the dumb cat knew she needed loving.

Oh, and judging by her ears and feet, the vet thinks she’s going to be a pretty big cat. Either that or she’s just going to have ridiculously over-sized ears when she’s grown.

Yes, I know the first photo is terribly blurry but it's the only one I have that shows her beautiful, blue eyes. If I can ever get her to sit still long enough, I'll attempt to get a better one. But, as you can see here, she's certainly made herself right at home.

Pirate Laws

1. A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling, a compass, or a treasure map.

2. Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute.

3. When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand.

4. Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out.

5. Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.

6. When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.

7. A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying.

8. No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.

9. A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.

10. During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.

11. No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack".

12. All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone's and other "Wench Punch" is prohibited.

13. A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.

14. No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.

15. Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.

16. No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man.

17. Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel-- head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailory.

18. A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin'.

19. Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever.

20. No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.

21. Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse.

22. Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.

23. A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean "killing".

24. Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unnacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase "shiver me timbers".

25. Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.

26. Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.

27. No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is "wrinkled". A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.

28. When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest" is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.

29. No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.

30. No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain.

31. If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said individual may keep their pirate status.

32. A pirate does not snuggle with an animal, unless he is trying to snap its neck. But I guess that wouldn't really be "snuggling".

33. A pirate may never wear another man's clothing, unless he first kills that man.

34. Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly acceptable for one pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure.

35. Pirates do not wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they are looking at a treasure map, and even then they are allowed only a monacle. Any comments about "Mr. Peanut" while wearing the monacle are prohibited.

36. When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can carry on her back. Pirates do not go shopping. They go lootin' and plunderin'. -->

37. A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.

38. Lifting or removing one's eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not considered an insult. It's just kinda gross. Likewise, one should never remove another pirate's eyepatch, except with a sword to the face.

39. Pirates never use the words "fresh" or "feelings," and certainly not together (as in "I have that not-so-fresh feeling").

40. A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn't been searching hard enough.

41. While creativity is encouraged during any barfight or battle at sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips off a Ninja's arm and hurls the arm, and attached Katana, as a projectile.

42. No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.

43. Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it is for the purpose of plank walking at a later time.

44. When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.

45. Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if ye can't stand bleedin' from the ears, you have no business being a Pirate.

46. A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black; unless it's halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances.

47. Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.

48. Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we're talking about, not Inspector Gadget.

49. A pirate's diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.

50. Pirate Law: You can't spell pirate, without "irate". There's a reason for that, so don't even try.

51. No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage.

52. Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells dirty, it is clean.

53. A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship. Use of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice.

54. When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more rum.

55. The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism.

56. No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.

57. Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet.

58. When at the office, answering the telephone with "Arrrrrrr" is perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are "Avast!", and "Ahoy Matey!"

59. A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the wall of a bathroom.

60. All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of female Pirates, who can be referred to as "lass".

61. Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure chest.

62. Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of "pouring some out for dead mateys".

63. A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.

64. A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.

65. No pirate may do the arm movements for "YMCA", or engage in country-western line-dancing.

66. Pirates do not say "please" or "thank you". The phrase "Arrr, I'll probably kill you tomorrow" is an acceptable alternative for "Thank you".

67. Should the ship's bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up a wooden statue is unbecoming of a pirate.

68. Pirates do not "IM". The only instant message allowed is a sword through the chest.

69. Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash. Anything "minty fresh" is strictly forbidden.

70. Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.

And Frankie makes three ...

Last Wednesday night, Steve worked late. When he got home, he presented me with a tiny scrap of cat flesh with the biggest blue eyes I'd ever seen. He was driving down the highway when a wee kitten dashed out onto the road in front of him, then dashed back into the ditch. He stopped and called to it, thinking it probably long gone, but the kitten ran to him as fast as his little legs could go. Being a bit of a softy, Steve knew he couldn't leave him and so brought him home.

Our original plan was to, 1) try to find owners or, that failing, 2) try to find him a good home. He was in rough shape. His spine and hip bones jutted up from his tiny back and you could count each rib easily. He had fleas and ear mites. He had a bare patch on his nose where all the hide has been scraped off in the past. He had three small cuts on his forehead that looked to be from teeth or claws. He was a pretty pathetic sight.

We took him in and fed him. Steve began looking for his owners the following day, despite having already stopped at the only three houses within a mile radius of where he was found to see if he belonged there. Meanwhile, I began the search for something he would eat. Dry cat food was too hard for him. I bought canned, of which he only at a little. I mixed the canned with milk and he mostly licked the milk off. By Saturday morning, he was getting even thinner and was starting to be lethargic.

A quick trip to the vet yielded treatments for worms and ear mites. I had already treated his fleas. She gave me an antibiotic to give him as his eyes were runny. She also suggested a milk-replacer rather than just cow's milk. I brought him home and blended the milk-replacer with the canned cat food and he attacked it as only the starving can. A mere 24-hours later he was energetic, bright-eyed and playing as a kitten should. It was at this point .... well, actually probably before this point ... that we all realized that we could never give him away. It seemed like he was put into Steve's path, knowing we would care for him and love him. If we're sitting on the couch, he'll crawl up into our laps and sit staring into our faces and purring contentedly. How can we look into the face of such trust and not give him a home?

And so .... we have a new cat. We already have two cats. We most certainly did not need another cat. But a new cat we now have.

The most surprising thing about his introduction to our home is that Sunny, Levi's big, orange cat, has actually taken to him. Sunny is the same cat that tortured our female cat for about two years until she learned to fight back. Sunny spent about two days hissing at Frankie. He now plays with him often and has even been observed grooming him. Sunny seems to agree that he belongs with us. Twilight still hisses at him, but she's grumpy. Even Ty, our dog, has taken his presence with at least patience, if not quite joy.

I used to believe that people who dumped animals should have a special place in Hell reserved for them, but I no longer believe that. I now believe they should go to Heaven. Yes, God should take them in, feed them, clothe them, give them a warm, safe place to live. For five or six weeks. Then he should take them out on a cold, rainy night and dump them in the country and leave them there wishing them luck. If some kind family comes along that wants to take them in, so be it. If not ... are those wolves I hear??